Murray's Conviction: Just What The Doctor Ordered

CLEVELAND - Yesterday at 1:17PM PST, a stone faced Conrad Murray sat in a Los Angeles courtroom as his criminal trial reached its conclusion with a guilty verdict in the death of Michael Jackson.

Talk about gratifying.

Murray, a West coast-based cardiologist was hired in the Spring of 2009 to serve as MJ's personal physician at an astounding $150,000 a month. The legendary entertainer hand picked Murray as he prepped for a highly anticipated London concert tour, but that decision proved horrible. It was under Murray's careless care that Jackson died on June 25, 2009 of a lethal mix of prescription drugs. Once his death was ruled a homicide, Murray became the obvious focus of the crime.

Murray was convicted of involuntary manslaughter, which is considered to be a minor felony. Indeed, he faces only a max sentence of four years in prison but experts expect him to serve far less time than that, maybe even without actual jail time. That of course would be monumentally disappointing to Michael's international fan base as well as his family.

The jury deliberated for 10 hours before reaching their verdict in a case that proved to be divisive among Murray's dedicated former patients, medical experts and MJ's millions of fans and supporters. On one side, people have declared Murray to simply be a fall guy for the iconic performer's death in light of Jackson's own relentless pursuit of the dangerous drugs that ultimately killed him. It's that line of thinking that fueled the defense theory that Michael may have self administered the fatal dose of Propofol in a desperate attempt to treat his extreme insomnia. The milky substance is said to be a highly effective anesthetic, but should only be administered in a highly monitored medical setting such as a hospital.

During the critical moments when Jackson stopped breathing, the so-called Dr. Murray made numerous bad choices in handling the dire situation. Experts testified that he made 17 deviations from the standard of care which, in the world of law amounts to "criminal negligence" which is what is known as causation. That is essentially what made Murray's actions criminal since they led to the death of a human being.

It frustrates me to hear people trying to cut Murray some slack. These are the "intelligent" people that say Michael Jackson was too rich and well connected to be turned down on his supposedly frequent requests for these drugs. Their reasoning is that if Murray hadn't given him the drugs, MJ would have ditched him and found someone who would give them to him. Furthermore, many people say that "drug dealers" give their "customers" drugs all the time, but no one is trying to imprison the dealer if the customer dies.

Idiots.

First off, a "street dealer" of drugs is not at all comparable to a medical doctor. A street dealer is simply trying to make a fast buck at the expense of others. That dealer has no recourse, conscience or obligation to act responsibly. A doctor takes an oath to do right by his patients, act in their best interest and treat their life and health with great care. Whether Michael Jackson asked or begged for harmful drugs, it was up to Murray to be "the adult in the room" and flatly tell him 'no.' If MJ went to another doctor, it then becomes that doctor's responsibility to turn him down as well. If MJ in fact did miraculously dose himself with the fatal amount, it still falls to Murray to take blame because he was the "professional" in charge. Patients, even legendary ones should never be counted on to know what's best for themselves. That's the reason the doctors are the doctors  and the patients are not.

But too many people are too dumb to understand this simple thing.

I was overjoyed when Judge Pastor agreed with lead prosecutor David Walgren's suggestion that Murray be remanded and jailed without bail pending sentencing (on Nov. 29). There was a certain poetic justice seeing the "good doctor" handcuffed in his chair as bailiffs moved quickly to take him into custody. And even though I know he has a good chance at successfully getting some relief in the appeals process, this serves a temporary sliver of justice. Because even if Murray could be given a 100 year sentence, it wouldn't bring Michael back to us.

In the end, Murray behaved on that morning as an incompetent doctor preoccupied with taking to his coterie of women on the phone instead of tending to his dying patient. In that respect, he was just asking for trouble.

Now he's got it.

Two Years Later, Loss of Michael Still Stings

CLEVELAND - Horrible memories of that devastatingly dark Thursday two years ago still haunt and harass me. Michael Jackson, the wondrous and eminently gifted genius left this planet and in the process, forced me and his many millions of fans to love him without his physical presence.

Forever.

Naturally, today represents tears, sadness and a hopelessly depressing reminder to his most devoted fans and family of that shocking day when Michael ceased to exist. Yes, his artistry and groundbreaking impact will forever delight and influence the world, but the man himself can no longer bless the world with innovation and relentless generosity. That is a tragedy in and of itself. I see the iconic costumes he wore during milestones in his career being sold, auctioned and exhibited. Those items are indeed historic, but without him continuing to walk this earth, they seem so...empty.

I miss Michael so much.

It's still a treat to watch the legendary "Thriller" short film, or his epochal solo performance on "Motown 25." But having the painful knowledge that MJ himself will no longer create magic in music and dance is a cruel and infuriating burden to bear.

Michael Jackson served as the foundation and inspiration for my own style and creative sensibilities. That part of him, as well as his 40 year career of showstopping excellence will live forever. But that one, heartbreaking fact remains no matter what.

I want him back.

Michael Jackson Was Victimized His Entire Life...And Beyond

CLEVELAND - Michael Jackson lay motionless in his bed around noon on June 25, 2009. In his bedroom, a frantic and nervous doctor noticed that the legendary entertainer wasn't breathing. Simultaneously, millions of people across the U.S., unaware of what was happening to MJ at that moment, perceived him as a once-amazing talent that had long ago become an embarrassing sideshow. Within a few hours, those same people reconfigured their perception of the man and began expressing sympathy and grief over his sudden and Earth shattering death.

All of those people need to go to hell.

Head shaking as it is, today marks the one year anniversary of Michael's departure from life. It was an unspeakably horrific day for me personally and for the tens of millions of his fans globally. I still have a difficult time accepting it as reality, even though Michael was such an emotionally fragile and sensitive person who was forced to deal with a pressure cooker of a life for 45 years. I look back on that dark Thursday with endless contempt and impossible bitterness.

I've thought about the man's life in great detail. His successes were of epic magnitude. His failures were tragic and colossal. And although Michael Jackson was perceived by many as the ultimate oddball and a raging weirdo, the truth is, he was very much like the common man. He only wanted to be loved and admired. He was blessed with a gigantic amount of talent, yet he was also prone to making bad choices and being irresponsible. He had several lapses in judgement just as we all do, but none of that should ever overshadow what he was truly about.

He wanted to make the world a better place.

Long ago, it became the "cool thing to do" for many people to not only criticize Michael, but to completely assassinate his character and spew some of the most vitriolic hate ever conceived towards him. In the years after Michaelmania dominated the U.S. and abroad in 1983 and 1984, Michael began being vilified and mocked for his constantly changing facial appearance, his reclusive and eccentric lifestyle and for the failings of his music to eclipse the impossibly high standards of his historic Thriller album. Years after those criticisms began, he was mutilated in the media and court of public opinion for what many considered to be his seemingly seedy relationship with pre-teen and teen boys.

It may seem as though the mid-1980's was the beginning of the sniping at MJ, but in reality, his entire life had been that way. Since he was a child, he was forced to support his family through intense dedication to his music career. True, his brothers were all a part of The Jackson 5, but with Michael being the lead singer and far and away the biggest talent, the pressures on him were greater, and he wasn't yet 10 years old. He had to endure heavy criticism because of his nose, which even family members mocked and took to calling him "big nose." For a kid who was already sensitive, that sort of attack was almost too much to take. It heavily shattered his spirit. Then as an adolescent, he endured the cruel effects of acne to his soon-to-be-adult face. Of course, he was made fun of for having "so many spots" on his face.

The level of pressure that was upon Michael Jackson during the late '60's and throughout the '70's was incredible. Not only did he have to excel musically for the sake of his family and others in the music industry with a vested interest in him, he had to do so with a face that was constantly frowned at and mocked. He didn't have the luxury of hiding. His face was public property.

He began to flex his muscles as an adult solo artist in 1978 when he turned 20 and co-starred in "The Wiz." Shortly thereafter, he crafted his masterpiece Off The Wall album which launched him into orbit on the path to megastar. Beneath it all, he was more ambitious than he'd ever been, yet very insecure. He had been tethered to his brothers for years and now, he was finally developing his own sound and legacy.

Of course, Off The Wall became a huge success in an unexpected way but the phenomenon that came with the late 1982 release of Thriller was beyond comprehension. That seminal era, early 1983 through late 1984 was owned by Michael. The entire U.S. was consumed by his music, style and artistic trademarks and his work sold in record numbers. The Thriller era was such a charmed, fairy-tale time for Michael that it felt almost too good to be true.

As it turns out, it was.

Michael had been a man who could do no wrong during the whirlwind dominance of Thriller and its accompanying music videos. When he and his brothers ended the Victory Tour in late 1984, it was as if the clock struck midnight for Cinderella. Beginning in early 1985, the immense love affair that the public had with Michael began to fade. I remember this time vividly, even though I wasn't yet eight years old. Over the next 2 and a half years, his character took major hits in the media for his various eccentricities and lack of a new album. By the time Bad, the highly anticipated follow-up to Thriller debuted in August 1987, he had been getting major criticisms for his much lighter skin tone as well as other modifications to his face. It occurred to me that the man did exactly what many people would do if they had been in his shoes and had the means. Remember, he had been ridiculed since childhood by people (including members of his own family) and thus, carried a complex about his nose in particular and his face in general. If I were subjected to that and I was a multi-millionaire, I would have made changes as well.

During the last 20 years of his life, the criticisms and insults grew harsher and more insidious every moment. There were complaints about his record sales which were still awesome but always fell short of the juggernaut that was Thriller. MJ was already a notorious perfectionist, so he naturally put tons of pressure on himself to please his public. As his skin appeared more and more pale white and his face changed shape often, endless jokes and repudiation of the man fell upon him. No one believed he suffered from the skin disease vitiligo as he stated. Instead, they poked fun at him, called him a liar and hurled insults at him.

No one bothered to care about what pushed him to remodel his face. No one cared that his skin lightening was essential to even out what the disease was doing to his color. Imagine having to deal with that from a few people. Michael had to deal with a nation of people ganging up on him.

Then, the child molestation charges that effectively turned him into a pariah. Sure, it is bad judgement for a grown person to surround themselves with underage kids. It is also puzzling as to why and how Michael ended up in the same situation a second time after the horror of the first time. What people ignore is that Michael isn't an average Joe. Yes, he was an adult. But he was an adult who surrendered his childhood in favor of an entertainment career. The significance of that is it explains why he took to creating a childhood as an adult that he never experienced as a child. He may have been an excellent businessman, but he certainly didn't see himself as an adult. From what I saw, he looked at himself as a 10-year old boy and thus, saw nothing wrong with being around young boys.

To him, they were his "peers."

His thinking was clearly unconventional, but when such epic success isolates a person, it becomes understandable. Remember, Michael's closest female friends were women who were sometimes decades older than he; Diana Ross, Liza Minnelli, Elizabeth Taylor, Jane Fonda and Katherine Hepburn. He always tried to surround himself with people who best understood him or whom he could truly connect with and relate to.

People ignore the fact that Michael spent his adult life donating endless amounts of his time, energy, emotions and money to countless charities. Children were his inspiration and he loved them. No one gives as much as he did without genuinely caring for the cause they're supporting. Not only that, but it was disclosed several months ago that MJ had been under surveillance by the FBI for 13 years and nothing was found that showed him to be a molester. In sum, he was acquitted after a trial in 2005 and the FBI found nothing improper on him, but no one ever mentions those things. Instead, he gets castigated for what was actually just allegations against an easy target and the possible "appearance" of impropriety. People label him a pedophile as though it was ever proven.

Add another stress inducer to his life.

I'm not saying that Michael didn't bring any of this on himself. He certainly placed himself in compromising situations, but he never deserved such malicious treatment by people. It infuriates me that so many people say such nice things about him now that he's gone, but never would have done that while he was alive. Jay Leno was always delivering below-the-belt jokes about him, but now speaks of him like he's a beloved icon, which he is, but Leno never spoke that way before.

I read unbelievably cruel comments all the time from idiots who continue to disparage Michael, even in death. It just further underlines the hell that MJ had to deal with daily while millions sat back and judged him. Those same people are hypocrites who clearly know nothing about class and love.

I will forever love Michael and I will use this awful anniversary as another opportunity to appreciate the gift that God gave us.

Michael Jackson forever.

One Year Later: Michael Jackson's Eerie Final Public Appearance

CLEVELAND - Michael Jackson took to the podium amid a rabid group of fans chanting and yelling their affection for him and proceeded to say almost nothing relevant. One year later, those seemingly empty words have taken on a sad and unintentional irony and significance because it was the last time he truly spoke to us.

What a shame.

Today marks the one year anniversary of Michael's press conference announcing his planned comeback concerts in London. The spectacle took place in the famous 02 arena where MJ's stage shows were to play out from July 2009 until March 2010. Within hours of the tickets going on sale, every date sold out in very short order which caused AEG Live to add many more dates to the originally planned 10. Michael, during his short speech seemed a bit unsure of what to say as he repeatedly stated, "this is it...these are my final shows....and when I say 'this is it' I mean 'this is it.'" He told the howling crowd that he'd be "performing the songs that [his] fans want to hear."

The way I felt about the concert announcement at the time was bittersweet. Of course I was excited, but a little subdued. Michael was almost never seen in public since his 2005 acquittal on child molestation charges, so it was a treat to see him back in the limelight. However, I had grown frustrated at the long delay in him releasing any new material after so many rumors of pending releases ended up being empty in fact. Therefore, I felt that he may not even perform the shows and even if he did, they wouldn't take place in the U.S.

When the horror of June 25, 2009 arrived, it was overwhelming for many around the world and specifically for me. Michael's sudden and unbelievably shocking death that day obviously made the concerts a lost cause and caused millions upon millions of people a ton of grief. Looking back from the vantage point of today, that press conference was very eerie and ominous. It seemed joyous at the time since it represented Michael returning to the elements of his life that made us fall madly in love with him in the first place; his great artistry. But knowing that his death was just 112 days in the future from that point takes the air out of the entire thing. MJ ended his announcement by saying, "I love you all so much. I really do. See you in July."

As he strode away from the podium and disappeared behind the red curtains, no one knew that we'd seen the last of him being alive as we were seeing him. Sure, we got treated to the hastily assembled film, Michael Jackson's This Is It nearly eight months later, but as we watched Michael unleash his raw magic on screen, we knew that he was no longer with us in real life. That makes the whole awful situation even more unbearable.

Today is yet another day for us to cherish life and the awesome memory of Michael Joseph Jackson.

Fall Guy Or Not, Conrad Murray Should Be Executed

CLEVELAND - Michael Jackson was murdered by his physician, Dr. Conrad Murray. Whether it was premeditated or accidental, Jackson died at the hands of Murray. No amount of spin or explanation changes that, and that's why the doctor from hell needs to be executed.

I'm beyond angry.

Murray was formally charged yesterday in the June 25, 2009 death of Michael, an event so enormous that the entire planet went into a literal freeze frame of shock, disbelief and epic sadness. I, of course was more grief-stricken than I'd ever been. MJ was who I lived vicariously through, as did millions of his dedicated fans the world over. Murray, bastard that he is, killed an Earth Angel. Yes, Michael was very flawed, but he was still an angel.

After Murray surrendered to law enforcement in Los Angeles yesterday, he plead not guilty after being charged with involuntary manslaughter. The coward should have done the honorable thing and admitted what we already know as fact; he killed Michael Jackson through irresponsible negligence in the administering of major tranquilizers.

Joe Jackson, Michael's father publicly declared Murray to be a "fall guy." Both Joe and his daughter LaToya opined that Murray was essentially a small cog in a huge conspiracy to murder Michael. Even though I usually despise Joe, I agree with him on this. Murray posted his $75,000 bail and left for his hometown of Houston after the charges were issued. Many believe him to be a flight risk and the Jackson family have stated that the involuntary manslaughter charge is not enough. I agree with that assessment as well.

Murray faces a maximum four years in prison if convicted. Ask any one of Michael's hundreds of millions of fans and they will all say the same thing.

Conrad Murray should be executed.

The Frustration of 'Michael Jackson's This Is It'

CLEVELAND - The final creative work of Michael Jackson's lifetime surfaces on DVD today and once again reminds the world of the colossal genius that the universe lost last summer.

I'll never be over it.

This Is It, the quasi documentary/concert film assembled from candid footage of Jackson's rehearsals for his planned comeback tour is bittersweet. When it hit movie theaters worldwide last fall, I was delighted to see it. Once it was over, I was both awestruck and upset. Michael's attention to detail and innovation was peerless. But since I was armed with knowledge of his sudden death before those destined-to-be-amazing concerts ever happened, I vacillated between joy and despair.

Watching the DVD will do the same thing to me.

This film does one thing extremely well. It reminds those who may have forgotten of Jackson's breathtaking abilities as a performer. Indeed, even though he only gives half-speed effort during the rehearsals, it's still enough to astonish. His dancing, even at nearly 51 years of age seemed to redefine the limits and laws of physics and gravity. His singing soars through the mostly empty arena and his voiced concepts of how the show was to play out was precise and ambitious.

Given the fact that Michael's public reputation had been on a steep decline for at least 15 years, this film is perfect because it strips away the controversy, scandal and criticism. All it shows is a master in his element, filled with focus and drive and eager to rekindle his status as the greatest entertainer in history. After seeing the epic scope and magnitude of what Michael had planned for those London concerts, it becomes an absolute certainty that he would have crafted the greatest live show ever. But instead of the finished product, us fans are left with a skeletal blueprint of what could've and would've been.

But with Michael Jackson front and center, it's still an awesome treat.

2009 In Review: The Day Michael Stopped Earth

CLEVELAND - I had written an article on June 24 about the death of Ed McMahon, who'd died the previous day at age 86. A day later on Thursday, June 25, there was news of another pending celebrity death.

Farrah Fawcett.

It seemed inevitable that Fawcett was near death, she had been seriously ill for quite some time. But when I watched "The View" that morning, I was a bit saddened to hear Barbara Walters announce that the iconic Charlie's Angels alumni would be dying any minute now. This was early in the 11AM EST hour, and just before 12:30PM EST, news came down that Fawcett had indeed died. It was sobering to hear the finality and was a major blow to her many admirers, including myself. I began thinking of an article idea celebrating her legacy that I would write and publish at www.deanteyoung.com the following day. I was never a Farrah follower or even an actual fan. However, I was aware of and understood her celebrity as well as her contribution to pop culture. Plus, I felt that she was a knockout and that's always a good thing.

Anyways, I knew that my June 25 article was going to be about the Cleveland Cavaliers, who came to contract terms with ancient-but-still-useful center Shaquille O'Neal, and word had come down the previous evening. They had scheduled a press conference for that afternoon to formally announce the move, but I had started writing my article before that.

Sometime around 2:30PM EST, a power outage suddenly knocked out the electricity on my street and of course, in my home. I continued trying to get my thoughts together to finish the article on Shaq, but I had to get ready to do a little shopping with my girl for my daughter's 6th birthday party, which was two weeks away. Her parties are never "just" parties. They are the de facto bash of the summer for my family, friends and colleagues. The power stayed out for a little over an hour, but came back on before we left. On the drive to Sam's Club, I mentioned Farrah's death and tried to convey her impact on culture to my girl, since she amazingly didn't know who Farrah was.

Once we got to Sam's Club, we scouted different items that could potentially be put on the party menu. A few we bought. Once we went through the checkout line, my daughter asked if we could go over to the snack counter and get some food there. It has become something of a tradition to get a Sam's Club hotdog when we go there. We got food and sat down to eat. Shortly before we finished, I received a phone call from a female friend of mine. Normally, I would've just ignored the call in that situation, but for whatever reason, I answered.

It was the worst phone call ever.

Essentially what she said to me was "I just wanted to call you and tell you I'm sorry about Michael Jackson." Of course, I had no idea what the heck she was talking about, so I sought out an explanation. "What 'chu mean," I asked. She was surprised that I hadn't heard the news.

"They said on the news that Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital in cardiac arrest and he might not make it," she said.

My immediate thought was "yeah right, whatever." But there was also an instant nervousness and uneasiness inside me at that moment. Somehow, I rushed her off the phone because I had to somehow get verification on this from a more reputable source. It's worth mentioning that it was this same friend that informed me of rap legend Tupac Shakur's death in 1996. In other words, she's the bearer of bad news.

I hung up the phone with a sheepish and uneasy smirk on my face and mumbled something to my girl who was, of course sitting with me and my daughter at the food court. The weird smirk and half smile that I had on my face was an example of me not really knowing how to act or what to think. I said to my girl that my friend just told me that Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital and he might not make it. Since I didn't have a sophisticated, Internet-style phone, I couldn't find out any info on it so I knew I had to get home.

We had a couple more stops to make before going home, but my girl knew me all too well. She knew that my participation in any and all plans were put on hold until I could find out what was going on with Michael. I refused to actually call anyone to find out, I would have felt too vulnerable. Instead, as my legs shook and wobbled while walking out of the store and to the car, I felt numb, terrified and very detached. We got in the car and headed home.

Once we were on the freeway, my phone rang again and it was my friend that broke the awful (rumor) news to me. She wanted to know why I hung up on her and I immediately rushed her off the phone again. I did not want to talk to anyone, until I could find out what was going on with Michael.

The drive home was very short in distance, but in my mind at that time, it felt like it took forever. Once we got off the freeway, there was an unusual amount of traffic semi backed up on the road leading to my house. I was growing impatient and more nervous every moment. I didn't want the car radio to be on because I didn't want to hear anything awful on this topic. My best friend texted me as we were in the scrum of traffic. His message read, "they just said Michael Jackson just died." I nearly choked on my own breath, but I still refused to believe something so...cruel.

Thank God I wasn't driving.

We finally pulled into the driveway of our house and before the car came to a stop, I had my door open and my leg about ready to step out and run into the house. There was food and other items in the trunk that we'd just bought, but I was in no shape to stop and get any of it out. I felt like I was about to collapse, but somehow I managed to limp up the steps to the door. My girl knew not to say much to me...I soon got another text, this one from my mother saying, "He's going to be okay. Just pray."

Already was.

I got into the house and immediately marched to the living room. I turned on the television, terrified at what I might see or hear once it came on. I flipped to CNN where Wolf Blitzer was talking about Michael being rushed to the hospital. Indeed, the caption across the bottom of the screen read, "MICHAEL JACKSON HOSPITALIZED." Amazingly, I felt a little relief because my best friend told me that he'd died. I wasn't going to accept that at all. I got on my computer and browsed every website I could think of...and they all had conflicting reports. TMZ was reporting that MJ died, while many others simply said he had been taken to the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center after suffering cardiac arrest in his rented mansion.

By now, my girl unloaded the trunk, grabbed my daughter and left to finish up the errands. She messaged me several minutes after leaving to inform me that traffic was at a standstill. She also wanted to know what else I'd heard about Michael. Minutes later, she messaged me with this strangely hopeful text; "the radio says coma." I was relentlessly perusing the Internet and flipping through TV channels to compare stories and hopefully hear someone say that Michael was okay. I crossed all of my fingers.

I paced.

I sat.

I stood.

Butterflies were in my stomach by the truckload. I was shaking and breathing very erratically. I got another text from my best friend simply saying, "I'm sorry. I know you're hurting." I was so worried and scared that I didn't know what to do. I was stunned and baffled. I couldn't understand how we went from the Farrah tragedy to this in just a few hours. Soon, word came down from the L.A. Times that Michael had officially died. CNN was hesitant to report that since they didn't have any way of confirming it. They were my saving grace. Other news channels reported it though with the horrible awful caption "Michael Jackson 1958-2009."

That was unacceptable.

My mom had continued to text me with words of encouragement, insisting that he was going to be okay. Countless people called me, texted me, e-mailed me. Understand something, ever since I was 5 years old, any and everyone who has ever met me has know without a doubt that I was and always have been a gigantic Michael Jackson fanatic. In fact, that fanaticism actually made the man a member of my family. I cared about him and loved him just as one would a relative. And that's even an understatement. Some people even told me that anytime they think of Michael, it reminds them of me.

Too high an honor.

Confirmation finally came down that he had in fact died. I was crushed. Destroyed. I cried. I began to despise and detest the world. I wanted revenge. I didn't want to continue on. My heart began racing and I felt as though I was going to be sick. I knew myself well enough to know that I was headed towards major internal harm...not to mention psychological. I knew that if I didn't get some kind of a grip that I would be in the hospital myself. I was sooo hurt. Motionless...then fidgety. Texts and calls kept pouring in and I ignored every one of them. I was incapable of speaking to anyone.

Massive tributes began immediately on television, online and radio for Michael. But I didn't care. It was even reported that the sudden and stunning nature of the story caused much of the Internet to "collapse" for a short time. People all over the world were beyond grief-stricken and millions wept uncontrollably in the streets. Some even committed suicide.

Once my girl and daughter returned home, my daughter came to check on me as gingerly as she could. She tiptoed into the living room where I sat, deflated and without expression. She went back into the kitchen and whispered to her mother that I was "okay."

I was not.

She asked if I needed anything. She asked if I was going to be okay. Messages continued coming in. I asked her for a couple of dollars so I could go to the store. She tried to give me a ten dollar bill, which annoyed me fiercely. I almost took it and tore it into a trillion pieces!  

Hate was strong.

I went to the store, first shutting off my car radio. I grabbed a couple beers and came back. A girl whom I had been friends with for 14 years tried to talk to me, but I kept walking to my porch and ignored her. I felt like I would literally choke her if I spoke.

For the next several hours, I sat alone in front of the television watching the terrible and depressing images on the screen. Life was sure to be different for me forever. I cried and reflected on my lost loved one.

Michael, I miss you so much.

Michael's Departure: One Month Later

CLEVELAND - Michael Jackson's sudden and shocking death occurred one month ago today and it continues to be a very sad and frustrating reality for me to accept.

I love him so very much.

The memories of that day, June 25, 2009, are still extremely painful and indelible for me. In the 30 days since, I have been both delighted and appalled at the way the media has portrayed and remembered his life. Of course Michael was incredibly complicated, that tends to happen when one becomes an international star in their teens and a global obsession in their twenties.

But the vilification of Michael has been disgusting.

Many people have talked endlessly of the child molestation allegations levied against him, both in 1993 and again in 2003 (which he was acquitted of in 2005). They've talked of his addiction to pain medication and his extensive plastic surgery. They've talked of his excessive spending and subsequent debt. In short, they've cleaned out his closet.

I'm not saying these things don't matter when defining his life and legacy; they do. I just wish that the people who drag his name through the mud would also give him credit for being such a positive, selfless and inspirational figure worldwide for four decades. Just once, can his critics see his colossal achievements and financial contributions to the planet as a good thing?

In a small way, he really did "heal the world!"

A couple weeks ago, stunning video was released of Michael's ill-fated Pepsi commercial shoot during which he suffered major burns to his scalp and face. The event took place 25 years ago, but the footage has only surfaced now. If anything, the graphic nature of the video, in which flames ignite his hair as he descends a staircase oblivious to the dire situation upon him provides a disturbing visual of the severity of that long ago tragedy. It is said to have been the genesis of his addiction to pain medication, which may have, in part led to his demise.

The past month has also proven his music legacy to be immortal. Enormous sales spikes have placed many of his timeless, classic tunes at the top of the charts as grieving fans the world over have sought solace in his scintillating music. Iconic short films from 1979's Off the Wall, 1982's Thriller, 1987's Bad and 1991's Dangerous have garnered major play on television and for those of us that adored Michael, made us smile with the memories of the first time we saw those brilliant videos.

With an endless and tangled web of legal matters yet to be hashed out by his attorneys, I refuse to delve into it. Michael himself is always what's mattered to me most and his gigantic impact on my life will never be compromised or diminished.

He had his demons and his flaws just like the rest of us, but Mr. Michael Joseph Jackson was a true gift that this world received, but never deserved.

I love you, Michael.