CLEVELAND - As I sit here attempting to write something worthy of Michael Jackson's gigantic impact upon my entire life, my face is covered in an ocean of tears and my heart literally aches for him. Words cannot explain what that beautiful human being has meant to me always.
There's been a death in my family.
Jackson, 50 is probably the first man that I ever loved. He was the only man that stayed in my life and never left when I was a young child. I never knew my own father, and as long as I had Michael, that was more than good enough. Memories of him are indelible -- my aunt Trina, who is nearly 10 years older than I, brought Michael to my attention in 1982 when I was just 5. By 1983, the entire planet was madly in love with him largely because of his undeniably brilliant Thriller album.
My aunt was the ring leader of his fan club.
As a child in elementary school in the early 1980's, talking about Michael was a given. Fawning over him was unavoidable and emulating him was inevitable. I drew countless pictures of him and thanks to my wonderful mother Deborah, I owned replicas of his trademark dark shades, glittered glove, "Beat It" jacket and penny loafers.
I love my mother for caring so much about what mattered most to me; Michael Jackson.
I'll never forget how amazed I was at age 6 watching the historic "Thriller" video for the first time in December 1983 on "Friday Night Videos." My cousin Demetrius had told me about this amazing "movie" that he'd seen with Michael in it and I just had to see it.
The historic 1984 American Music Awards and Grammy Awards were so thrilling to my aunt and I because they both became a showcase for Michael. He captured an unbelievable 16 awards between the two shows in just a six week span. Between those awards shows was a near fatal accident on the set of a Pepsi commercial. Michael suffered second and third degree burns to his scalp when pyrotechnic sparks shot into his then-famous Jheri-curled hair.
I remember being terrified when news of this broke.
Throughout 1984, Thriller continued to steamroll the music industry and Michael kept on captivating the world. He was the most popular guy on the planet and inspired millions of imitators. His iconic Pepsi commercial, in which he and his brothers dance in the streets with a group of children including a 12-year old Alfonso Ribeiro was of course, re-enacted by my friends and I on our neighborhood streets. I collected dozens of the Pepsi cans that were issued in the summer of '84 in promotion of the Victory Tour, which were "autographed" by Michael and his brothers.
I'll never forget his electric magic on "Motown 25." I fondly look back on the days when I tried to perform those complicated dance steps, and the days when my best friend Jermaine wore a replica "Billie Jean" outfit to 3rd grade to the awe of everyone. Jermaine also had the great fortune of playing the part of Michael when us kids re-enacted the "Thriller" video.
I begged my mom to buy me the then-super popular Viewmaster and the "Thriller" cartridges to go with it. I loved it...but not as much as the Talking Viewmaster that I got later. My aunt had dozens of posters of Michael adorning her bedroom walls. Her jackets were covered in pins of him. She sang to him in the mirror. She had scrapbooks filled with pictures and articles and owned his calendars. That is where my love for Michael came from.
One of my great memories is when my mother moved heaven and earth to find someone that had cable television (it wasn't available in the Glenville neighborhood of Cleveland in 1984) so that I could watch a major event: "The Making of Thriller." A friend of hers picked us up and took us over their house to watch it. My mom was on my good list that night!
Though the horror-themed "Thriller" video scared a lot of kids, it never scared me. I only knew that I greatly enjoyed watching it and that is what inspired my purchase (with allowance) of the VHS tape, "Making Michael Jackson's Thriller."
That incredible Victory Tour was nothing short of awesome. Even though I was just 7 years old, I vividly remember going to the Cleveland Municipal Stadium on Saturday, October 20, 1984. I remember Michael on stage, breathtaking as he was, performing his incredible hits. I was armed with binoculars, but my almost 16-year old cousin Terry kept taking them from me to impress a cute girl that sat next to him. Looking back, I feel very privileged to be able to say with truthfulness that I saw Michael perform live and in person.
For the rest of the '80's, I wrote stories about him and continued to draw pictures. I tried to dance and sing like him and I begged my mother to pay for me to get a Jheri-curl just like his. I never got it, but it didn't stop me. I used to take a paper towel, soak it in water and lay it over top of my own hair. Then I would jerk my head and point my finger like Michael and pretend like the wet paper towel was a MJ Jheri-curl! When drops of water would fly from the paper towel, I would get so happy because that made it seem like real Jheri-curl moisturizer!
I also put strands of black thread on my forehead (held in place with hair grease) to simulate Michael's black curls and "baby hair."
I continuously recited Michael's parts from "We Are the World" in 1985 and I desperately wanted to go to Walt Disney World's Epcot Center to see Michael in "Captain EO" in 1986. When Bad, his follow-up to Thriller came out in August 1987, I was overjoyed. I loved his new look too; longer hair, lighter skin and outfits with buckles to replace the Thriller-era zippered jackets.
I re-enacted "The Way You Make Me Feel" music video at my 11th birthday party in 1988, just weeks before I went crazy over the release of his biography "Moonwalk." I drew pictures of the cover, which featured half of Michael's face in a close-up. I saw it in a book store priced at $16.95 and I begged my mother for it. She felt that it was too expensive, but I persisted. Eventually, my God-mother Claudine mentioned that she had a copy of it which drove me into a frenzy. She told me that she'd give it to me, so I bugged my mother to call her all the time when she wasn't coming over quick enough for my tastes.
When she finally brought it over, it was like a major event was taking place. I was ecstatic and promptly took to reading it. In early 1989, I got the "Moonwalker" VHS tape and watched it constantly. When Michael appeared on The Arsenio Hall Show as a surprise (during an interview with Eddie Murphy), I couldn't stop smiling. He earned a slew of awards in '89 naming him the entertainer of the decade.
Which was a major understatement.
With the release of the Dangerous album at the end of 1991, Michael had again surfaced with a new look. The "Black or White" video was highly cutting-edge and even though I was now a high-school freshman, I was still an insatiable Michael fan. The videos for "Remember the Time" and "In the Closet" were extraordinary, but when Michael teamed up with my other Michael love, Mr. Jordan for the "Jam" video, I was blown away.
The Super Bowl halftime show in 1993, during which Michael put on a large-scale production and performance was an instantly classic moment in his endless cache of classic moments. It was shortly after that performance that America began turning against Michael due to child-molestation allegations that had surfaced against him. I was upset about the charges, but I never believed them. Not because I was a die-hard fan, but because I paid attention to his words and actions and they made me understand his heart.
It was Michael's 1995 single, "You Are Not Alone" that enabled me to get through the utterly depressing days of my best friend Jermaine's departure. He left my side to go to the U.S. Navy which was horrible to me at the time. Michael's poignant words in the song seemed like Jermaine was speaking to me through Michael. To this day, I still get choked up listening to it and watching the video.
The rest of the '90's were an obscure time for Michael. That's one of the major reasons that I was so ecstatic when word came that he was releasing a new album in 2001.
That album, Invincible, was a financial and critical disappointment. But as I listened to the tracks on the disc, I became quite impressed. Besides the lead single "You Rock My World," there were many other songs (especially ballads) that I felt were among the best of his splendid career.
And that is saying a whole lot.
I was in disbelief when Michael was accused once again of child molestation in 2003. I saw the controversial interview with Martin Bashir and heard the stunning things that Michael said about Gavin Arviso, the 13-year old cancer survivor that eventually brought on the accusations. I concluded that Michael was not a criminal, but instead a man of occasionally poor judgement and a see-it-to-believe-it naivete that most folks just don't have at any age, let alone at age 44.
I knew the accusations were serious but in no way did I think that they would result in charges being issued and Michael would actually stand trial. It was stunning enough seeing him in handcuffs in November 2003, but actually being on trial was crazy.
To me.
It was March 2005 that the trial began, and I tuned in to any updates or conversations that I could find on television. The testimony upset me greatly, because remember, Michael was a family member in my book. When he showed up to court in pajamas in late March, I grew quite concerned and nervous. The way he looked seemed as if he was truly sick and that his life may be in jeopardy. Turns out, he was fine. One thing that I really admired about the daily trips to court was the way he dressed. While many criticized him for not wearing a "real suit," I was in awe of his meticulous style. He wore suits, but they were unique and very detailed with various designs and trims.
As always, a fashion icon.
When the jury began their deliberations on June 3, 2005, I was so nervous about a possible guilty verdict. The fact that it took ten long days to reach a verdict had me close to a nervous breakdown. My best friend Jermaine came to watch the reading of the verdict with me and when it came down (not guilty on all 10 charges), I cried and sobbed like a newborn baby. We embraced and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I was eager to find out what Michael was going to do in the way of a comeback.
He was vindicated!
I celebrated heavily and even went as far as to persuade Jermaine and my cousin to drink wine out of Diet Coke cans with me. Reason being, during the trial, someone testified that Michael gave his alleged victims (teenaged boys) wine in Diet Coke cans and called it "Jesus Juice." I also played his music constantly, ecstatic over the verdict.
Of course, Michael disappeared after the trial. He moved out of the country and became even more scarce than normal. When 2007 rolled around, I had already been planning to commemorate the 25th anniversary of the Thriller album, so I was overjoyed when Michael appeared on the cover of Ebony magazine dressed in all white and looking like royalty. They even did an extensive interview with him about the impact of that seminal piece of history.
Earlier this year, Michael announced that he was going on tour for the final time in his career. I was excited of course, but my enthusiasm was tempered because the concerts were going to be in London, not the U.S. Even still, it put a huge smile on my face to find out that the entire tour sold out in mere minutes, raking in millions of dollars.
Then, yesterday happened.
When the news came down that Michael was in very serious condition at UCLA Medical Center after going into cardiac arrest, I was horrified but in disbelief. When I rushed to my computer and television, I began to have trouble breathing and I started having pains all over. I couldn't sit still and I had a nest of butterflies in my stomach.
I cried and shook. I kept all of my fingers crossed and my heart wouldn't stop racing. At that point, nothing was confirmed but I was still restless and scared. My phone kept ringing, e-mails and text messages poured in -- and I ignored them all. Not because I wanted to, but because I was froze. I literally was incapable of taking any calls.
When Michael's death was confirmed, I lost it. I could not handle the stunning shock and sudden finality of the situation. My mind was a blur of emotions and I fidgeted constantly. I watched the extensive coverage on television and tried to force myself to calm down. I knew that I would wind up in the hospital if I didn't settle myself down. Amazingly, I managed to relax a bit, but man was I bummed.
That's putting it mildly.
I can't talk too much more about this right now because it still hurts like hell and quite frankly, always will. I do want to say this though: Michael Jackson was the greatest, most creative genius that entertainment has ever known. His humanitarian efforts globally were unprecedented and served as irrefutable proof that he was a God-fearing man, kind and caring to the nth degree.
Michael was a member of my family because he was a member of my life from the time I was first able to remember anything. I love him so very much, and a huge piece of me died with him.
Thanks so much Michael. God rest your amazing soul.
